I hate change. Small changes are fine, but the big changes? Yeesh. I'm not sure why, but even big positive changes are a little hard on me. However, I've managed this much of life knowing that change is unavoidable, and as much as I dislike it, life would be terrible in its absence.
My last few months have been riddled with change. For the first time in more than a decade I no longer have a full-time job, and haven't been doing very well at finding/keeping part-time work. I'm probably too picky. I don't doubt that quitting my last job was a good decision given the circumstances, but I should have another one by now. I'm looking for part-time work during weekdays that makes a decent wage. Plus, I don't particularly want to learn to drive a forklift.
I did a temp job grading essay portions of standardized tests. That seemed like the ideal situation, but it was project-based, and I haven't been assigned a project in almost a week. Since it's June, that may be the end of projects until Fall. So, I need something else that leaves room for music and doesn't make me miserable.
Also, my Dad's getting married Saturday. This is a wonderful thing, since his fiancée and her family are very nice people. My Dad's happier than I've ever seen him. Most people say their re-marrying parent is happier than they've seen them since either: a. the other parent's death, b. the divorce, or c. that camping trip where s/he caught that big fish, etc. But, I mean, I've never seen the man so happy. I'm thrilled about that.
But I'd be lying if I said it didn't bring up emotional "stuff." Internet, I know my mother is gone and not coming back. She died; she didn't run off to Vegas. But something about this event brings up another layer of grief; a layer I didn't even know was there. It seems twisted to be secretly grieving at my father's wedding.
I suppose the best course of action is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And maybe learn to drive a forklift.
3 comments:
My best friend's dad recently remarried and she has felt the same way. Her mom has been gone for 7 years but in a way I think she felt like she had to let go all over again. She's happy for her dad and relieved to know that he's not lonely. But it's hard to see someone else where her mom used to be.
Baby, I wish I could say that you were the first to have these mixed emotions, unfortunately I can't. I understand completely. No one in the world misses their mother more than me. I catch myself crying sometimes for no apparent reason. It's then that I realize that I finally have my life going in a decent direction and I can't share it with her. You see she was the one person that I felt like I was letting down with all of Wild living and crazy crap that I did. I never said that I was sorry for all the emotional pain that I put on top of her physical pain. I think that is why I still hurt so bad inside sometimes. I spent the last ten years of her life waiting on her to die. So while I don't feel YOUR pain, I do feel THE pain.
That being said, I am as happy for Daddy and Maw Dot as I have ever been for two people in my life. They have both lived through their own hell and have been blessed with an opportunity to live on the other side of the fence. Will she ever replace my Mother? No Way Jose! Nor will Daddy ever replace Joe's Father. For those of you outside this circle, Joe is our new step-brother. I do think they have both earned this chance to have a little happiness and I can only hope that THEY don't feel any guilt about living it. I love my NEW family as just that, My NEW family. They can never replace the existing one just add to it.
By the way, If you can drive a forklift, you can always find employment.
wow- I had been meaning to getin contact with you but I had no idea your dad was remarrying. I can'timagine what you are going through, but you have been on my mind lately. Who is he marrying?
And do you have a facebook? Or do I need to call? I really need a Pep-boost:)!
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