Tonight the physical pain really caught up with me. Which, in a way, is good because perhaps it means this will be over soon without medical intervention. But, Holy Moses! I took the double dose of Advil that my doctor suggested, but I felt the need to supplement with some wine. (At least when you face this particular tragedy you get one of your coping mechanisms back.)
Speaking of the big T word, I'm actually kind of okay. I know I'll face some harsh judgement saying this, but I am.
Of course, it's a sad situation. You don't have hopes and dreams of a due date then not be sad when they're taken away.
But there's one part of this I wasn't expecting: see, this was my biggest fear. My BIGGEST. The possibility that this might happen was a huge hurdle for me to get past even deciding to try to conceive. I thought I would literally crumble... that my emotions and my mind would totally give way to a loss like this. But then it happened, and as awful as it is, I'm living through it. I'm walking, and breathing, and working in the midst of my biggest fear. And it in no way hinders me from having hope for the future and wanting to try again someday. I guess I'm just saying it's amazing to find out you're stronger than you thought you were.
I have this one friend who doesn't know, and he's been sending me inane text messages all night, just like normal. I SO love that. It makes me not want to tell him, because it's quite a ray of sunshine when everyone else outside my house gives me the sad face. I understand though; it's an awkward position. You don't really know what to say, and you don't want to make anything worse. But, just so you know, you can totally be silly around me again. I would appreciate, maybe even cherish, a little bit of silly.
5 comments:
Sometimes we have to physically face our biggest fears just to realize that we can face our biggest fears. God has never given me a task without giving me the tools.
As a child I can recall being very afraid of dogs, horses, cows, most any animal that was physically bigger than me and had 4 feet. I was terrified because of an unrealized fear. When I was 4 or five, I was bitten by an old poodle. I cried more because it scared me worse than it hurt me, but after the physical pain and hysteria had subsided, I realized that I HADN'T died and probably was not going to over this incident. I eventually made piece with Frappe' and became a dog lover wouldn't you know. The same sort of thing happened over the adolescent part of my life with horses, cows, and other large critters that to tell the truth, I just didn't understand. After I realized that the worst in each situation had happened and the world didn't come to screeching halt, I gained a new perspective on fear in general.
Do I still have fears? You bet! Do I let them get in my way of doing what I want or need to do at the time. No Way! The more I give God control of my life, the more control I seem to have when it comes to the unknown and unseen.
I am so glad that you are doing better. If you don't mind, I think we will keep praying for you for a little while.
I don't mind a bit, Bubba.
I've been in Eupora lately so I didn't know until today and didn't think to check your blog until now. Good to see you are precessing through it all, but I still wanted to check on you. Love your perspective on everything (you always have true wisdom). If you want to talk, call :)!
I love you Jenn.
I don't want to be another sad face, but I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish you lots of silly to keep you smiling! And I am praying for you too.
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